Can you let yourself feel more? — Down To There

It was early afternoon we had just emerged from the narrow and shady forest trail to a breathtaking view of the Pacific Ocean. We looked at each other, marveling how lucky we were to find ourselves alone on this gorgeous sunny beach. Little did I know at the time, but today was going to be a defining moment in my sexual journey. 

We spread out our blanket and lay down together. I had a new pair of sunglasses that seemed to make the waves of the blue ocean extra sparkly which gave me the idea to see if I could pay extra close attention to my senses… to amplify the volume in a way for everything I could see, hear, smell, taste and touch. 

I started hearing the waves of the ocean more clearly, intermixed with the sound of the gulls and the soft rumble of the traffic on the cliffs overhead. I started smelling the ocean, and the soft scent of my mousse and the smell of him lying next to me. He leaned in for a kiss. I felt his lips, his tongue. 

I asked myself “Can you let yourself feel more?” I felt the warmth and softness of his lips. 

“Can you let yourself feel more?” I felt the warmth of the sun, the gentleness of the ocean breeze on my cheeks. 

“Can you let yourself feel more?” I felt the texture of the blanket beneath us and the sand beneath the blanket.

Time seemed to both rush forward and stand still at the same time. I had dabbled in mindfulness and meditation in the past, but most of the time, that had seemed like an experiment in letting go of my thoughts. This moment on the beach seemed like an experiment in seeing how much I could feel in my body.

A kiss had never felt so slow, so intimate, so connected. Or so long. Apparently you can play a really long game with yourself when you ask yourself “Can you feel more?” and the answer keeps coming back a resounding “YES!” 

I found myself (as I do with meditation), jumping in and out of the experience. Can you feel more? Yes! Holy hell, this is crazy. Wait, stop thinking, go back to kissing. OMG this is amazing. Can you feel more? Yes! Can you feel more? A thousand times yes!

We spent hours on the beach simply laying there, fully clothed, slowly kissing. I asked him later what his experience was on the other side. He said it was strange, but he kept having this sensation of wanting to give more. I was fascinated by this revelation. There is so much more to connection than meets the eye.

As the sun began to set, we packed up our things and started a slow walk back to the car. I decided to see if I could feel more of the forest, the same way I had felt more of the ocean and more of him. I noticed the leaves on the trees with more detail than I had ever noticed before. I noticed the crunch of the forest floor. I noticed the temperature change depending on which plants we were walking by and how close we were to the creek.

As we emerged from the forest, he said “Thank you for showing me your nature”. I giggled and asked him “The actual outside nature like the forest and the ocean, or my inner nature?” He grinned and said both. 

I can let myself feel more.

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