What could be more friendly than a vagina? We don’t know about you, but we’re crazy about them (well, technically the vulva). In fact, we love the vagina so much, we’re saying it loud and proud. GOOOOO VAGINAS!
Yes, ‘vagina’ almost comes across as a bad word, but why would such a beautiful part of the body cause so much embarrassment? Somewhere along the line, someone decided that the vagina was not worthy of honorable mention. Just take a look at one of the dozens feminine products commercials. The word “vagina” is omitted entirely or reduced to just the letter ‘V.’ Meanwhile, there’s advertisements and videos that celebrate the cock—Viagra, Axe, Cialis, SNL’s Dick in a Box.
Don’t get the wrong idea, penises rock our world, just check out our recent Penis Personas article. But how is it that one of the most vexing marvels of natural engineering (and according to Russian folklore, the most powerful antidote for marauding bear attacks) has to live in the shadows? The vagina—or vag, pussy, snatch, bearded clam, cave of wonders, or whatever you want to call it—deserves the right to be herself, to roam free, and to explore the world. Because to know your yoni, is to know yourself—and just like her owner, the pussy packs a lot of personality.
The Mata Hari
This enduring and exotic flower uses her beguiling ways to hypnotize admirers. Known more for her sensuality and eroticism, rather than striking classical beauty, she has no problems getting a lover to rise to her occasion. During foreplay, it will serve you well to know the art of cunnilingus—so better get to practice. An ideal suitor will need both strength and stamina to handle her slow, undulating movements. Try to keep your head, as she gets into the rhythm. A word of advice, however, is to tread lightly with this particular vagina because she knows exactly how to stretch beyond the imaginary limits.
The Tigress
Possessing an aloof demeanor, this vagina is often misrepresented as a calculating man-eater. This is only because of her extremely high standards and refusal to coddle any sniveling complainers. Not for the faint at heart, only engage this Femme Fatale of Fifi’s if you have an acquired taste for super-human strength and not-so warm and fuzzy bedside manners. Extremely fierce, but sometimes caring, she an expert at doling out the discipline with the help of ropes and blindfolds. Not much into mushy-gushy emotional relationships, your joy will be short lived once she’s realizes you’re too smitten with this kitten.
The Pegging Sue
Don’t let this 1950’s polka-dot skirt, pearl necklace wearing vagina fool you. Because underneath, you’ll be shocked to discover that this June Cleaver of Beavers is way more than just a dutiful housewife. She’s a bold and fearless superhero who’s not shy about playing a special game of ‘Ben Dover.’ A huge fan of strap-on entertainment, this consummate lady will be the first to recognize your valiant efforts. But don’t be too eager to cross the finish line too fast. This detail oriented vagina will always have plenty crafts in her basket to keep you running the sexual adventure gauntlet.
The City Slicker
Adept at throwing killer dinner parties, this independent, upper east side vagina uses her clever wit and intelligence to charm the pants off of anyone. But before gaining entry, be aware of her rules of engagement. First, before crossing her threshold, offer up an elegantly wrapped, luxury sex toy like a LELO Ora 2. Secondly, never expect to be given a tour of her lofty estate. And third, always be on your best behavior. Her disdain for poor manners calls for an immediate dismissal, never to be contacted again. Only a man with matched potential can truly gain access. Be prepared for quite the cock tease, because this powerful pussy loves to keep her paramours in blissful suspense.
The Rabble Rouser
This rebel-without-a-cause will go commando to get, and keep, your attention. You name it, she’s done it—tried every toy under the sun, dyed her hair crazy colors, pierced her labia, gotten down in public, and even flaunted herself to a busload of catholic nuns. The rules really don’t apply with this free-spirited vagina. She will rebuke any of your attempts that insinuate guidance, input, or feedback. Her vivacity and lust for life makes her irresistible to men and women alike. Her true charm, however, lies in her ability to laugh if something goes wrong, tell incredible stories, and a willingness to always try something new. Plus, no one makes a night more memorable—for better or worse!—than she does.
The Socialite
A huge fan of the E! network’s bank of reality shows, this captivating vagina lives life by the WWKKD code. She loves laying back and letting others do all of the work. Her days are filled with ‘accidental’ sex tapes, expensive cars, paid club appearances, and trips on her private jet. If you’re looking for her undivided attention, you might as well forget it. She spends hours taking (and retaking) filtered selfies for Instagram while contemplating if her lips look, you know, like, super-fake or just a little fake. Still hanging on to the hope that Ugg boots and Juicy Couture sweatsuits will make fashion comeback, she is never seen without an accompanying penis. But don’t throw caution to the wind so soon. When her boredom eventually sets in, she’ll wind up cheating with, like, a really super-cute shipping heir.
About the Author . . .
