To Get The Sex You Want Online, Read The Damn Room

Whether you are looking for love or just sex, the internet can be a confusing place with ads telling you to have an affair or to sign up and exclusively date farmers, or even that there are Sydney escorts ready and waiting for you. It can be confusing even for the experts among us. So why would we want to make it harder? I don’t know, but a lot of folks sure seem to do just that. How many times have you been minding your business on totally-unrelated-to-sex site and had someone come at you with a “you look cute” or “do you have a boyfriend?” or even just “number?” (actually happened to me on a neighborhood-focused site when I was apartment hunting. Why do people do this? Well, let’s take a minute to talk internet history.

Back in the day the internet was a lawless land full of random message boards and chat rooms where people wandered around in the hopes of finding people who shared their interests. As I remember it this often resulted in any message board, at any time, being a possible pick-up scene. It sometimes got a little awkward. A March 2000 episode of Futurama did a pretty good job of depicting the online situation at the dawn of the new millennium:

Now that it’s 2019 and we effectively live in the future, the internet’s got its act much more together. There are sites devoted to everything from boosting your SAT scores to scheduling a walker for my dog. When it comes to hooking up online stuff has gotten way more specific. There are sites and apps for just about every scenario you can think of. Seriously, there are places to find folks who engage in your fetish, places to find folks who want to settle down with a house, some kids and a dog, places to find folks looking for a hook up RIGHT NOW, there are even places to find folks who share your love of Star Trek and this is all just the very tip of the iceberg!

So, this leads to the point of today’s post: Why on earth do people insist on using all of these sites and apps in the wrong ways? Now, if you read me regularly you know that I’m not big on saying you are doing stuff “wrong” but honestly, if you show up on a site where everyone is clearly looking for spouses and start sending out dick pics and asking people to spank you, you’ve taken a wrong turn. Similarly if you find yourself on a site where folks are talking one-night-only anonymous hook ups and you start talking about hopes, dreams and white picket fences, you may be off-course.

Read the room, people.

Like this but creating emotional labor…

What does this mean? Be aware of what’s going on around you. Much like you wouldn’t shout out “MODELS AND BOTTLES, BITCHES!!!” in a church just because you happened to be there and not in a club (BTW, You also just shouldn’t say that. Ever.), don’t Kool-Aid Man your way into a space where one thing is happening and try to make it into something else. I guarantee what you are looking for is available somewhere on the internet, stop being lazy and go find it.

Why does this matter? A couple of reasons.

  1. It’s annoying. I don’t want to read your emotional intro letter that discusses when you think I should meet your kids when I’m looking to hook up
  2. It’s counter-productive. You wouldn’t shop for a Harley at a Volvo dealership so don’t look for casual sex on sites where folks are clearly looking for long-term love! Go where people are offering what you want.
  3. It’s entitled. It screams “Yeah, I know you’re all doing one thing but I want something else. Now gimme.”
  4. It shows that you can’t read the damn room! Okay, so a thing to know about me is that I’m extremely sensitive. What this means in day-to-day life is I pay very close attention to my environment all the time. For example, if my date is talking loudly I notice when it starts to irk the people seated near us while he continues to boom on, blissfully unaware. This being the case, an inability (or unwillingness) to read a room is a red flag to me.

So, what to do? Get honest about what you want. When you are very clear on what it is (hook up, dating, lifelong partner- whatever!) do some internet sleuthing and find the sites and apps that seem to cater to folks looking for those things. You aren’t done yet, though! When you get there, look around. Read people’s profiles, notice what’s happening. Get a feel for if that space is the right one for you. I know this sounds like work but here’s the big secret: putting in this small amount of work now can pay off big. It’s not about finding ALL the people, it’s about finding YOUR people-  the ones who are looking for what you’re looking for. Once you do that things can get a lot easier and WAY more fun! Your people out there. You can find them. Just be honest, look around, and please, I beg of you, read the room.


This post contains a sponsored link. The opinions in it are, as always, my own. 

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