For any long-distance couples out there, we’ve got good news for you! Research suggests that living at a distance is associated with a host of benefits, including improved health, more frequent exercise, and lower levels of anxiety. It’s also good to hear that relationship satisfaction isn’t determined by distance – in fact, intimacy, trust, and commitment levels are similar whether you live in the same city or thousands of miles apart.
Having said that, living apart can create its own unique set of challenges when it comes to sexual connection, so we’ve got a few tips to keep things burning from a distance.
Use your voice
Auditory pleasure and seduction may be the most underrated of all the senses and you can easily play with sound to cultivate pleasure from any distance.
Sounds are essential to auditory learners (and lovers) and their desires go beyond talking dirty and compliments. They’re drawn to the sound of your voice – it can evoke a variety of feelings from comfort, love, and safety to excitement, passion, and arousal.
Some research suggests that the mere sound of a lover’s voice can be an intense turn-on resulting in increased electrical activity in the skin. So, play with these audial approaches to pleasure when you’re connecting from a distance:
- Send them voice notes throughout the day or week. They don’t have to be sexy or erotic but consider sending messages that are playful, thoughtful, flirtatious, and loving so that they get to hear your voice, even when you’re separated by distance. Use low, soft, deep tones and slow your pace at times so that they’ll be hanging by your every word. And, of course, if you want them to do the same, let them know!
- Text them sexy sound clips to pique their interest. You can record your own or choose from a vast array from the Bijoux Indiscrets library of sex sounds at Orgasm Sound Library.
- Record an audio clip of yourself masturbating (e.g., in the shower to muffle your sounds) and send them the file. Better yet, tell them all about it in a staggered approach using voice notes to make them wait for it.
- Read each other short stories or a few pages from a book at night when you’re on the phone. It can be soothing and intimate to fall asleep to the sound of a loved one’s voice.
Up your sexting game
One of the biggest mistakes people make when sexting involves going for the full-frontal shot right away. They send nudes and genital shots from the onset and don’t allow the crescendo of desire to build over time. If you’re in a long-distance relationship, you’re likely spending longer periods apart, so allow the anticipation to build gradually.
To prolong the thrill and take sexting to the next level, consider these tips:
- Start with words first. Use creative language to talk dirty over text. Consider three perspectives: the past, the present, and the future.
- Describe a hot memory you share: Remember that time we hooked up at that rest stop? I’m thinking about how good that felt…
- Describe what you’re doing right now: I’m just getting undressed. Slowly…Thinking about you. Wondering what you’re thinking…
- Allude to what you want to do in the future: When you get here, I’m going to be waiting. I got new boots I want to wear for you…And I can’t wait to…
- Send pics slowly — one at a time and tease it out over hours or days. Less can be more as you build desire.
- Invest in a selfie stick so you can play with different angles and keep them guessing. Send closeups that are unclear or use shadows to blur images so that they need to take some time to decipher each picture.
- If you’re worried about privacy (perhaps your partner has a tenancy to lose their phone), send photos from your waist down leaving your face out of the images.
- Use a separate app for sexting (not your regular text message chain) so that your sexy shots don’t get mixed in with your daily banter. This also makes it easier to go back and enjoy the sexy exchanges when the mood strikes you.
And of course, before you get started, ensure that your partner consents to sexting. Consent is essential, so be sure to ask for permission, check in to see what they’re in the mood for, and be mindful of your lover’s boundaries.
Consider video sex
You don’t have to go “all the way” on camera, but you can still use this visual medium to play from afar. Here are a few tips to get started:
- Pre-record short clips of yourself in the dark. You could be changing, getting dressed, dancing, or simply walking around in various stages of undress. Clips can be short and imperfect, and they don’t have to be explicitly sexual to be enticing.
- If you do want to send them a short sex scene, film yourself at play, but consider keeping the lights low so that you’re not perfectly clear on screen. Many people aren’t confident touching themselves in front of the camera (or making eye contact with the camera), so don’t feel pressure to do it all. You might even consider touching yourself with the camera rolling, but positioning yourself so off-camera, so they can hear your sounds, but the visual shot only shows the bedsheets rustling around next to you.
- Subscribe to an ethical porn site together and share links to clips with personalized messages (e.g., This made me think of you!). XOAfterglow offers an array of videos for female-founded ethical porn with a pay-what-you-want option.
Play from afar using app-enabled toys
What a time to be alive! When it comes to sex toys, the world is your sexual oyster.
Whether you want to play with a penis ring, a rabbit vibe, a clitoral toy, or a full-size wand, brands like We-Vibe have you covered. Their We-Connect app allows you to pair your toy with a partner so that you can hand over the reins of control or chat within the app — all from anywhere in the world.
I like the We-Vibe Moxie, which is a panty vibe that you can wear when you’re out and about to build tension throughout the day. And if you prefer to play from the privacy of your bedroom, consider the Nova 2, which is the most advanced (and practical) rabbit vibe on the market.
And of course, if you’re playing with toys, you’ll want to make sure your lube is toy safe, so be sure to stock up on ASTROGLIDE Toy ‘N Joy, which is sensual, slippery, and safe for use with toys made of silicone, glass, stainless steel, rubber, and plastic. It also happens to be hypoallergenic and paraben and glycerin free.
Talk about frequency
Sex means different things to different people, so talk about what you want to do and how often you want to do it. Perhaps you want to text flirtatiously or send sexts daily? Or perhaps you want to share in orgasmic pleasure via tech each weekend? On the other hand, you may prefer to build to a crescendo culminating in your monthly in-person meetup. There is no perfect formula when it comes to sex, so if you’re going to be in a relationship with another sexual being, you need to talk about it.
Start by discussing what sex means to you. How important is it? Why is it important? What counts as sex? What do you enjoy most about it? What holds you back when it comes to sexual pleasure? Have these conversations openly and often — it will pay off in the long run whether you’re living together or apart.
However you play and communicate from afar, remember that you don’t have to do it all right away. Take your time, keep an open mind and enjoy the process of discovering pleasure at your own pace.